I do this thing, where I race myself, every day…all day. It has been worse lately, I think because my caffeine consumption is up, but I wake up and immediately the race begins. Hurry up and get ready so I can be one of the earliest people to work, eat my breakfast as fast as possible so people don’t think I am lazy, try and set all the things up and just anticipate what others might need, get off work. Book it to the gym! Hurry before the urge passes and I just go home and nap! After the gym, crack the books, start studying, because I know in a couple of house I will hit the wall and crash….7 pm…8 pm….crash. Day…after day…after day….So what am I doing about it? MEDITATING!! Why? Because I never do it because I cant stand it but what I am doing isn’t working! I have been using the head space app for the last week and while I don’t notice any chances currently, I do notice them while I am using the app. I notice I am really paying attention to my body which I something I have mastered to NOT do over the last 15 plus years. Feeling tired? Go exercise. Feeling full? Keep eating. Feeling hungry? Keep restricting. Feeling sad? Get busy. Whatever the “thing” is, I don’t feel it. I push it down, run away or just ignore it. I am trying to change that habit and absolutely nothing about it is easy but I feel the benefits in time will prove to be worth the discomfort.
So I got this sweet new work schedule that is 630 am to 1030 am, I know right?! Don’t worry, I am super poor and make little money so there’s the trade off, hah!
I am a planner and I like knowing where people are, what my day is going to look like and just think it out or what really makes my brain happy is making a list, usually hourly, of what my “goal” day is going to be like. My boyfriend has a set schedule and usually leaves within a 5 min window and gets home from work within a 15 min window. I think I am so obsessed with this because less than a year ago most of my day and head space was filled with working around my bulimia. When could I binge, where would I purge , when would my roommate be home, where could I stop after the group dinner to get more food to purge once I got home, etc.
A few days ago I texted him letting him know that I was at work but had therapy after so we would be ships in the night but he could use my lap top if I wasn’t home when he was. He responded that he left work a little early and was home at the moment………my stomach dropped and my thoughts raced….then it stopped……….i realized, i had nothing to hike. I hadn’t eaten all the cereal in the cupboard and needed to stop and replenish before he got home, i didn’t filled with empty boxes, wrappers and containers of food I had binged on. I didn’t have to panic that I forgot to flush the toilet or that I didn’t clean the inside enough. I literally had nothing to worry about. He was home early and everything was fine. What a foreign feeling it was and what a relieving feeling it was!
I cant tell you how many times someone came home unexpectedly or showed up early throwing my plan out of wake. The anxiety seemed to carry over into the morning because I always remember waking up full of fear and anxiety. Not to mentioned feeling exhauseted, eyes puffy, face puffy and feeling exhausted from binging and purging my brains out all night. I need to remember these times because I just ate a king size bag of the snickers minis. Like the ultra mini ones, the size of dice. Anyways, I don’t usually eat stuff like that but I really wanted it. My sweet tooth has been picking up the last week. So i bought it…..as i was eating I was very aware of what I was doing and trying to be mindful of how i felt eating it and to stop when full. Well….i ate the whole thing….then i saw Serving size 2″. Fuck you creator of serving sizes!! I was mindful, and present and damnit I wanted to eat the whole bag and I should NOT be made to feel bad about that. That is one thing I hate about the 2 slice pizza rule or 2 oreo cookies,etc. I mean, who decided that?! It isn’t easy for me to just let go of, obviously, because I am typing about it and have some feelings surrounding it but I am also not running to the bathroom. Before that I had 2 spring rolls…..then 10 min later a tuna sandwich. THEN all the snickers. Was it a decent amount of food?? YES. Do I always eat that much, especially that close together, NO! will I tomorrow? Who knows! My eating varies and fluctuates day to day, week to week. I am human not a robot. Today I wanted more and I am sitting with it.
I have this problem….of occasionally being over confident. I either think I am the greatest thing on the planet or a worthless piece of shit. I either think I am the best and can conquer anything or I should just stop trying and run into oncoming traffic. With food, I tend to be overconfident.
I think, Oh yea I can totally have that and be fine! Or, ill just snack here and there, no problem! I can skip breakfast , I am so busy, I’ll make up for it at lunch! I am here to tell you….NOPE! Maybe in like 6 months to a year, yes definitely, I 100 percent believe I will be at that level.
I have just kind of let go of the meal plan structure because I felt like I was beyond that. Even though I have had an eating disorder for over 16 years, that within 3 months, I was basically cured….. I guess you don’t learn until you try, right? Food has been a bit more difficult the last month or so. I have noticed myself getting more obsessed with fitness chicks on IG, counting calories, looking up nutritional info at restaurants before going in, calculating macros, which, the crazy thing is, society tells is these are all GREAT things to do!!! That is almost the hardest part! We are constantly being told to count calories, limit food if you’re going out to eat later, drink water before a meal to eat less, count macros, all this diet mentality all the time! By not being on a diet or trying to alter my physical appearance I feel like something is wrong with me.
But back to the point of this post….being a speed eater.
You guys, you would think I was raised in a house of 7 boys and I was the only girl and we had to fight for our food. I am not sure where it stems from. I did hear a good podcast on this topic and habits, I will try and find it and share it.
I notice the things I tend to speed eat, besides all the things, are sweets in particular. Anytime I am eating sweets, I am in super speed mode. I often have a sense of guilt while I’m doing it. If I am out in public though, I usually have little to none, but if I am home and “letting myself” eat ice cream, chocolates, cookies, whatever, I eat it really quick…just to try and get it over with. Maybe to try and avoid a binge? Either way I need to work on this. I think part of this comes from labeling that food as bad and also not allowing myself to eat it often enough.
I am going to try and incorporate “treat” foods into my diet more consistently. I am going to try and be very mindful of what is going into my mouth and taste it. Not feel rushed or guilt. I will try this for a week or two and report back.
I haven’t written much about my mom on here yet. It hasn’t felt right.
This morning I was in the kitchen and heard a loud crash, like a garbage truck ran into a wall. It sent me back to the time I was in a car accident with my brother and we wrapped the car around a telephone pole on Locust Road. I stuck my head out the window but didn’t see much. Within a couple of minutes the sirens were ringing and I knew it was in fact a car crash. I was about to head out the door to bike down to PSU. Part of me started getting a little adrenaline rush because I wanted to see what happened, which is such a strange human response.Why do I want to see something potentially tragic, why does that peek my interest?
As I lugged my bike down the stairs and turned the corner I saw the accident. A car going up a one way that was going down. What I didn’t predict to happen was my response to the situation. I saw the woman in the white kia, windshield bashed in, the other car off to the side, also totaled also with a person sitting inside the vehicle, dust and smoke still settling. I remember my accident when I was 14 and how shook up I was and how I am still scared of driving at night from the accident. I saw the woman being assisted out of her car and assisted to the stretcher by the paramedics. I had this urge to run to her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her I am so sorry this happened and I am so glad she is ok, Find out where her family is, tell her she is loved and that the shakes will eventually settle. I wanted her to feel better, in hopes of it making me feel better. Because also at that moment, I saw my mom.
I saw my mom laying in the hospital bed at Harbor view medical, lifeless, half her head shaved with a tube going into her skull trying to reduce some of the swelling that had accumulated in her brain since she fell off the ladder. I saw her wrist in a cast, which I am assuming broke which she landed on the concrete. I remembered so painfully vivid the doctor coming in and telling me my mom was not going to live and screaming into a blanket repeating over and over “its not supposed to go this way!!” Hearing my brother being hit by the same pain that I was. Being in a room with my closest family and having our lives be changed by his few words. Because up until that point you couldn’t help but hold on to that glimmer of hope that “she is going to be ok. She is a strong women. In a few hours she will be giving me a hug and in a week she will be back at home.” Thinking how I cant wait till we can look back on this. But that is not how it went.
Thankfully I saw both of those individuals in the car accident walk away from the scene. They are very lucky.
Life is so precious.
Well I just went on a little sugar raid and I wanted to discuss it. I am NOT calling this a binge because a binge for me typically consisted of at least 2 full bags of groceries and an hour minimum. This was handfuls of this and that over in 10 min. But that being said….doesn’t mean I felt great about it. BUT. I am human. I have had an eating disorder for over 15 years, I can’t expect all that hard work and determination to disappear over night.
So today was started out not so great. Phone calls between insurance companies for over an hour trying to get someone to tell me why my bill was about 4 times the amount I was told before entering treatment, to I’m sure no ones surprise, I got no answers. While this was going on I noticed myself NEEDING food!! I needed that comfort because I was so frusterated with being transferred, put on hold, calling and recalling, I need something to ground me. I had just eaten breakfast, oatmeal and an egg (sounds boring but I really love oatmeal, in hindsight maybe wasn’t enough, I’m still figuring it out) During the phone call I also had some fruit , quest bar and nuts. As I was eating them I really don’t think I was hungry, but I was anxious and it was soothing that. I’m an emotional eater, so sue me!
Blah blah blah, day went on, had a late lunch and then dinner around 8 pm, which is like midnight to me because I am usually in bed at that time. My boyfriend took his son home and it was like the old me came out of hiding. When I heard the key lock the door, I knew, I have at least 20 min to eat freely. But it wasn’t that pulsing energy surge I normally get when I know I am going to binge and feel like another person is controlling me. I felt my body, I felt relatively calm , I also didn’t feel satisfied from dinner. Binging was my lover for a long time and it is going to take a long time and a lot of work to end that relationship. Food that I typically deemed ‘unhealthy”, basically anything that wasn’t chicken or broccoli, I notice I feel guilty eating. Right when he left I popped an Easter peep in my mouth. Sometimes I get so sick of all this eating having to be mindful and you have to be present and chew 20 times….oh god! I put it in my mouth, it was good, I wanted more. I ventured into the kitchen and opened the cupboards and stared at all my options. I started with a handful of cereal , followed by several handfuls of teddy grahams, a few nuts and a few bites of ice cream. I felt satisfied.
Now I am in bed.
I could analyze this 2 ways.
1- Omg, I am reverting to old behavior, how embarrassing, I feel so guilty and gross , why am I out of control, I’m going to gain weight if I keep this up!
2- That was good, more sugary things than I normally eat. I’m full. Now I will go do other things.
From what I HEAR….normal people do this kind of thing.
Yes my eating disorder voice is in there telling me, “just purge, right now before he gets home you still have time! Feel your stomach! It is soft and full of food that is not good for you.”
Thankfully I have a louder healthy voice saying. “listen girl, you needed some extra calories. Your body is not used to being able to eat yummy foods like unless it is in a binge setting so give it a break and eventually you will balance it all out. ut by purging you just go right back to square one. Lay down, watch tv, be gentle on yourself, its a process.”
Update- 10 min later my bf came home and was telling me how bad sugar was for people, its an inflammatory, nothing good comes from it…….cool bro…….I still think all things in moderation. ALSO! People who have not struggled with bulimia / anorexia can have that mindset and not have it completely fuck them over. I do not get that luxury.
I feel like I am becoming my greatest fear. I feel like what I have been judgmental of in others t is what I am doing. But now I have a better understanding and appreciation for different paths people choose.
I am thinking of a few examples. One- the girls the sell mary kay, rhoden and fields, scentsy, or that are trying to get me on their new fitness routine or buy their beach body workouts…whatever it is! I always thought to myself ” I NEVER want to reach that point in my life where I am trying to sell make up out of my living room!” But you know what?! KUDOS TO THOSE LADIES! Way to go out there and be a confident, self motivated business woman! It is scary and unpredictable to do that for work, it isn’t the safest route but maybe those people are like me and the though of a 9 to 5 desk job feels like a death sentence.
As a society we are taught there is this linear path in life and you follow it and you are successful and people like you. The End.
This path makes me want to rip my eye balls out!!!
Our lives are so short, SO SHORT.
I think of my mom who passed away on 10/22/2016 very unexpectedly and abruptly.I feel like at the age of 60 (?) ( i always forget her birthday!!) She was finally starting to live the life she deserved and wanted. She never wanted to go into dental hygiene, she wanted to be a vet, pressure from her father forced her into dental hygiene. I don’t want to spend the precious days of this short beautiful life trying to fulfill what society says is the right way to do life. I was working the closest thing I ever had to a “career type job” and I was miserable. I felt like everyday I was a square trying to go into a round hole.. I am scared of living my whole life and never reach my full potential, never touching peoples lives ,even if it is just a few, never doing what I was put on this earth to do. Maybe I am full of ego. Maybe I think I am this magnificent creature that has power to change peoples lives. Maybe I need to slow my roll and take the desk job and just be a “worker among workers”. I was recently talking to a girlfriend and she said maybe I need more discipline in my life and i do not disagree with that, i am lucky to have friends that can say stuff like that (thanks Brit) I don’t know yet but I am going to keep looking until I figure it out. I don’t think we need to live day in and day out going to a job we hate, feeling like we aren’t really living. I get that work is work and you are never going to love anything or anyone 100% but I just don’t think I have found my niche yet.
I feel fat and I hate everyone!!I am trying this experiment of eating what I want when I want. The problem is, I think it might be too soon into my recovery for that kind of intuitive eating. On the other hand, any meal plan or exchange program I have ever had I push back against. I can spend hours on IIFMY.com, calculating and recalculating my macros. Going to five different calorie counting sites to figure out how many calories I should be eating to maintain and or lose weight, occasionally I will even put in gain weight, just for fun. Then switch up between all the exercise level options. HOURS OF THIS.
This morning I was feeling kind of tired but also like getting out for a run in forest park. I woke up at 430 am today, an ungodly hour, no one should do it, and was HUNGRY. I couldn’t figure out why because I felt like I overate yesterday, which whatever,what does that even mean, over ate for who?! So I had an apple then a couple hours later ate breakfast but like 30 min after that I was STILL HUNGRY. WTF. Is it just my hunger cues are off? Does my body suddenly think I am a 6 ft 7 quarterback?! So I ate some more. Just out of curiosity I decided to just tally up my morning macros OH LAWD, WHY GOD WHY. I had over half my days carbs in ONE meal, now not calories, but just carbs. This macro tracking, or even calorie tracking, is a tricky thing for me and really depends on the day. Some days I find it really helps me stay on track and I realize how much I am under eating! Other days, like today, it takes me to a dark dark place. While I was getting ready for my run I looked in the mirror while I just had my sports bra and running tights on. My tummy soft and sticking out a bit more. Its fine I tell myself!!I am strong, I am fit, I am eating, I have relationships…..4 hours later it still isn’t fine. All I can think about are those effing carbs and its like because I knew I needed to limit my carbs for the rest of the day , I stopped and got a ciabatta sandwich and a raspberry almond muffin?!?!
My mind knows!! My body knows!
Its like when I know I need to restrict something my body and mind reject that idea and do the complete opposite. So this is why I am really conflicted on the food tracking, whether it is macros, calories, or meal plans. I have never had success with any of them but I do know when I am tracking, things like this morning happen and I obsess. I obsess and hate myself and over eat because I feel guilty.
This whole thing is such a mind fuck- like who cares?! I say “I over ate”, over ate compared to what?! Or when people say “I’ve been so bad today!” talking about their food choices, uh what? Bad? No it is all between our ears and right now I have the civil war going on. My stomach hurts because I wasn’t really hungry when I ate the muffin and sandwich but being in early recovery I think sometimes my body still doesn’t trust me that it is going to get fed daily, consistently and not get rid of it.
Not every day is easy. Not every day am I farting out words of self love and body positivity. Someday are hard. Some days I spend hours on Instagram wishing I had that girls….fill in the blank….wondering what she eats, what her exercise routine is like, what car she drives, how much money she has, all the while hating on myself more and more, adding fuel to wanting to restrict or a binge.
Today is a day I need to practice extra self-care. I will limit social media. I will not push myself physically, I will rest. I will eat and I will be gentle with my body. This is a process, I must remind myself. That next week, I will look back on this and the energy around it and the feelings I feel right now will be substantially less, shoot they will likely be less in an hour.
I am going to take a bath now.