So I got this sweet new work schedule that is 630 am to 1030 am, I know right?! Don’t worry, I am super poor and make little money so there’s the trade off, hah!
I am a planner and I like knowing where people are, what my day is going to look like and just think it out or what really makes my brain happy is making a list, usually hourly, of what my “goal” day is going to be like. My boyfriend has a set schedule and usually leaves within a 5 min window and gets home from work within a 15 min window. I think I am so obsessed with this because less than a year ago most of my day and head space was filled with working around my bulimia. When could I binge, where would I purge , when would my roommate be home, where could I stop after the group dinner to get more food to purge once I got home, etc.
A few days ago I texted him letting him know that I was at work but had therapy after so we would be ships in the night but he could use my lap top if I wasn’t home when he was. He responded that he left work a little early and was home at the moment………my stomach dropped and my thoughts raced….then it stopped……….i realized, i had nothing to hike. I hadn’t eaten all the cereal in the cupboard and needed to stop and replenish before he got home, i didn’t filled with empty boxes, wrappers and containers of food I had binged on. I didn’t have to panic that I forgot to flush the toilet or that I didn’t clean the inside enough. I literally had nothing to worry about. He was home early and everything was fine. What a foreign feeling it was and what a relieving feeling it was!
I cant tell you how many times someone came home unexpectedly or showed up early throwing my plan out of wake. The anxiety seemed to carry over into the morning because I always remember waking up full of fear and anxiety. Not to mentioned feeling exhauseted, eyes puffy, face puffy and feeling exhausted from binging and purging my brains out all night. I need to remember these times because I just ate a king size bag of the snickers minis. Like the ultra mini ones, the size of dice. Anyways, I don’t usually eat stuff like that but I really wanted it. My sweet tooth has been picking up the last week. So i bought it…..as i was eating I was very aware of what I was doing and trying to be mindful of how i felt eating it and to stop when full. Well….i ate the whole thing….then i saw Serving size 2″. Fuck you creator of serving sizes!! I was mindful, and present and damnit I wanted to eat the whole bag and I should NOT be made to feel bad about that. That is one thing I hate about the 2 slice pizza rule or 2 oreo cookies,etc. I mean, who decided that?! It isn’t easy for me to just let go of, obviously, because I am typing about it and have some feelings surrounding it but I am also not running to the bathroom. Before that I had 2 spring rolls…..then 10 min later a tuna sandwich. THEN all the snickers. Was it a decent amount of food?? YES. Do I always eat that much, especially that close together, NO! will I tomorrow? Who knows! My eating varies and fluctuates day to day, week to week. I am human not a robot. Today I wanted more and I am sitting with it.