Healthy Self

Well I just went on a little sugar raid and I wanted to discuss it. I am NOT calling this a binge because a binge for me typically consisted of at least 2 full bags of groceries and an hour minimum. This was handfuls of this and that over in 10 min. But that being said….doesn’t mean I felt great about it. BUT. I am human. I have had an eating disorder for over 15 years, I can’t expect all that hard work and determination to disappear over night.

So today was started out not so great. Phone calls between insurance companies for over an hour trying to get someone to tell me why my bill was about 4 times the amount I was told before entering treatment, to I’m sure no ones surprise, I got no answers. While this was going on I noticed myself NEEDING food!! I needed that comfort because I was so frusterated with being transferred, put on hold, calling and recalling, I need something to ground me. I had just eaten breakfast, oatmeal and an egg (sounds boring but I really love oatmeal, in hindsight maybe wasn’t enough, I’m still figuring it out) During the phone call I also had some fruit , quest bar and nuts. As I was eating them I really don’t think I was hungry, but I was anxious and it was soothing that. I’m an emotional eater, so sue me!

Blah blah blah, day went on, had a late lunch and then dinner around 8 pm, which is like midnight to me because I am usually in bed at that time. My boyfriend took his son home and it was like the old me came out of hiding. When I heard the key lock the door, I knew, I have at least 20 min to eat freely. But it wasn’t that pulsing energy surge I normally get when I know I am going to binge and feel like another person is controlling me. I felt my body, I felt relatively calm , I also didn’t feel satisfied from dinner. Binging was my lover for a long time and it is going to take a long time and a lot of work to end that relationship. Food that I typically deemed ‘unhealthy”, basically anything that wasn’t chicken or broccoli, I notice I feel guilty eating. Right when he left I popped an Easter peep in my mouth.  Sometimes I get so sick of all this eating having to be mindful and you have to be present and chew 20 times….oh god! I put it in my mouth, it was good, I wanted more. I ventured into the kitchen and opened the cupboards and stared at all my options. I started with a handful of cereal , followed by several handfuls of teddy grahams, a few nuts and a few bites of ice cream. I felt satisfied.

Now I am in bed.

I could analyze this 2 ways.

1- Omg, I am reverting to old behavior, how embarrassing, I feel so guilty and gross , why am I out of control, I’m going to gain weight if I keep this up!

2- That was good, more sugary things than I normally eat. I’m full. Now I will go do other things.

WHAAAT

From what I HEAR….normal people do this kind of thing.

Yes my eating disorder voice is in there telling me, “just purge, right now before he gets home you still have time! Feel your stomach! It is soft and full of food that is not good for you.”

Thankfully I have a louder healthy voice saying. “listen girl, you needed some extra calories. Your body is not used to being able to eat yummy foods like unless it is in a binge setting so give it a break and eventually you will  balance it all out. ut by purging you just go right back to square one. Lay down, watch tv, be gentle on yourself, its a process.”

Update- 10 min later my bf came home and was telling me how bad sugar was for people, its an inflammatory, nothing good comes from it…….cool bro…….I still think all things in moderation. ALSO! People who have not struggled with bulimia / anorexia can have that mindset and not have it completely fuck them over. I do not get that luxury.

 

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