The black hole that is macros and mirror gazing

I feel fat and I hate everyone!!I am trying this experiment of eating what I want when I want. The problem is, I think it might be too soon into my recovery for that kind of intuitive eating. On the other hand, any meal plan or exchange program I have ever had I push back against. I can spend hours on IIFMY.com, calculating and recalculating my macros. Going to five different calorie counting sites to figure out how many calories I should be eating to maintain and or lose weight, occasionally I will even put in gain weight, just for fun. Then switch up between all the exercise level options. HOURS OF THIS.

This morning I was feeling kind of tired but also like getting out for a run in forest park. I woke up at 430 am today, an ungodly hour, no one should do it, and was HUNGRY. I couldn’t figure out why because I felt like I overate yesterday, which whatever,what does that even mean, over ate for who?! So I had an apple then a couple hours later ate breakfast but like 30 min after that I was STILL HUNGRY. WTF. Is it just my hunger cues are off? Does my body suddenly think I am a 6 ft 7 quarterback?! So I ate some more. Just out of curiosity I decided to just tally up my morning macros OH LAWD, WHY GOD WHY. I had over half my days carbs in ONE meal, now not calories, but just carbs. This macro tracking, or even calorie tracking, is a tricky thing for me and really depends on the day. Some days I find it really helps me stay on track and I realize how much I am under eating! Other days, like today, it takes me to a dark dark place. While I was getting ready for my run I looked in the mirror while I just had my sports bra and running tights on. My tummy soft and sticking out a bit more. Its fine I tell myself!!I am strong, I am fit, I am eating, I have relationships…..4 hours later it still isn’t fine. All I can think about are those effing carbs and its like because I knew I needed to limit my carbs for the rest of the day , I stopped and got a ciabatta sandwich and a raspberry almond muffin?!?!

My mind knows!! My body knows!

Its like when I know I need to restrict something my body and mind reject that idea and do the complete opposite. So this is why I am really conflicted on the food tracking, whether it is macros, calories, or meal plans. I have never had success with any of them but I do know when I am tracking, things like this morning happen and I obsess. I obsess and hate myself and over eat because I feel guilty.

This whole thing is such a mind fuck- like who cares?! I say “I over ate”, over ate compared to what?! Or when people say “I’ve been so bad today!” talking about their food choices, uh what? Bad? No it is all between our ears and right now I have the civil war going on. My stomach hurts because I wasn’t really hungry when I ate the muffin and sandwich but being in early recovery I think sometimes my body still doesn’t trust me that it is going to get fed daily, consistently and not get rid of it.

Not every day is easy. Not every day am I farting out words of self love and body positivity. Someday are hard. Some days I spend hours on Instagram wishing I had that girls….fill in the blank….wondering what she eats, what her exercise routine is like, what car she drives, how much money she has, all the while hating on myself more and more, adding fuel to wanting to restrict or a binge.

Today is a day I need to practice extra self-care. I will limit social media. I will not push myself physically, I will rest. I will eat and I will be gentle with my body. This is a process, I must remind myself. That next week, I will look back on this and the energy around it and the feelings I feel right now will be substantially less, shoot they will likely be less in an hour.

 

I am going to take a bath now.

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