Inner Voice

Today I had planned on driving from Portland to my hometown, which is about 4 hours away. Today I also had a bridal shower. Last week I met with my therapist and expressed the fear and anxiety I had about today , the food and the drive.

This morning I wasn’t hungry for quite a while after waking up, which is unusual, but I think its because I had a fairly big dinner and pretty late. My eating disorder voice was telling me several things this morning such as “You better go run! I don’t care how tired your legs and body feel, you have to! You ate a lot last night AND there’s a party this afternoon that will have delicious food you are going to want to eat!” I finally felt hungry, didn’t run but then it crept back in “you should only eat something that is really low calorie to allow yourself to eat what you want at the shower this afternoon.” I did not listen. I had sausage, two pieces of toast and butter.

The shower was great! It was beautiful. The bride to be was beautiful. I love my in laws(kind of in laws- they are my brothers in laws but I adopted them too) and they make everything feel so warm and welcoming. There was one girl there I do not like. I do not like her for a particular reason but it could also be a little be intertwined with the fact that she is thin and pretty. I watched her not eat anything. I watched her only drunk carbonated water and frequently checking her stomach area and saw her spanx peeking through the bottom of her dress and thought….”I feel really comfortable in my body right now, I think ill have a little more food because it is really delicious!”

The party ended, it was now time for my drive. A drive I have literally taken hundreds of times and 96% of those trips I was engaging in eating disorder behavior. I can tell you every rest stop from PDX to MF. I know which stall I would use, which flushes better, which rest stop has the best food, whether it be the fried gas station food, donuts or packaged snacks, where the subways are because …6$ foot longs! Where each McDonalds is since ice cream is key to the process. I started processing all of this on my way out of town. I heard the eating disorder voice creeping in…I played the tape through, I thought of what this trip could look like if I engaged in behavior the whole time, the money I would spend, how easy it would be to fall back into the pattern the next day.

I am 30 and I had to tell my dad, brother boyfriend and the several friends I was going to visit that I simply could not do it. I could not make the drive that I know all too well. I do not have enough distance between my bulimia to trust myself 4 hours. It is embarrassing, it feels stupid and it also feels really empowering. That I have the ability to say “You know what, I really want to be there, but I can’t. I cannot do this drive right now, at this point in my recovery” and to have support and understanding around my decision.

I came home.

I ate dinner. I ate cereal after dinner. I had several negative thoughts about myself after I ate that but I pushed them now. Now I will go to sleep. Maybe I over ate a bit today but I was also present during a beautiful party for a beautiful girl, both mentally and physically. I can remember conversations I had. I didn’t spend 100$ on food to just throw up within the hour.

I am pleased with my decision.

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