NUMB

I messaged a few of my girlfriends who recently lost their mothers asking ” will I return to my normal self? will I get my zest and humor back? Will I be who I was before I lost my mother?”

I messaged a few of my girlfriends who recently lost their mothers asking ” will I return to my normal self? will I get my zest and humor back? Will I be who I was before I lost my mother?”

I realize I started this blog wanting to focus on health, recovery, well being , with a huge focus on eating disorder recovery but I also want to make a focus of my blog being real life. Unfiltered, unplanned life. And this is where I am in life today.

My life feels bleak right now.

I don’t know how many times I think about my mom throughout the day but it’s a lot. I have had several melt downs since her passing. Waves of pain and sadness so strong I can’t on my own two feet. Crying so hard and so deeply I feel like I could throw up. Eventually it passes. My eyes are so swollen I can barely see, I am completely drained of all energy and I want to sleep forever.

I feel lifeless.  When I do get distracted and laugh and joke and have a good time, when I start laughing really hard, it is overcome my intense sadness. Not that I am guilty I am having a good time, or maybe it is, but because I know all my mom wanted was for me to be happy and feel like that,  and she isn’t here to see that in me.

I think of my future. Moving into a new place, how my mom would have been there to help me set up and decorate, buy dishes and cooking items and all those things that moms are just good at. That is gone for me now.

I feel like I have to grow up now. Not that I wasn’t an adult before, but when you are carried so strongly by your parents and lose one, it is like being dragged behind a car instead of riding inside. I feel like I need to start focusing more on my career and building a strong life for myself because my rock in life is gone, it is up to me now.I realize I have so many friends and such supportive family but there is something about a mom that trumps is all.

Something about having your mom come help you move into a new place, despite her driving you insane and disagreeing on colors and patterns and furniture, she still knows you better than anyone else.

It hurts. My heart hurts.

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