I am not in a good place right now. I feel completely out of control. My binges are starting in the earlier part of the day which makes for a painfully long day. I will shine a little light on to what I mean.
6 am- wake up, get ready for work , maybe coffee
730-Get to work
8-Start needing another cup of coffee, kind of hungry, think i should probably eat, not sure what, nothing sounds good but know I should eat something. Should it just be an egg? Or will that make me more hungry? Yogurt?That always gives me a stomach ache but its so effing good. Maybe just fruit….i should add protein and fat…..Ill just see what looks good at the store
830- At the store- Walking around…….looking………appearing normal to the outside world but inside my brain it feels like world war 2. I wander the isles….I start in produce, add a couple pieces of fruit because its good for you….2 apples and a banana, that will give me snacks for later today and tomorrow. 2 protein bars, I can eat those today if hungry, or they are just good to keep in my drawer. Maybe i will just get lunch while im here so i dont have to come back. Sandwich and quick trip through the salad bar……
20 min, back in my office…..all gone……..
The rest of the day is a complete shit show. Trips up and down the stairs, to the bathroom, to the food cart. Wondering if people notice how I am acting or what I am doing. My brain is spinning none stop. Unless I keep eating the feeling I have in my own body is intolerable. This is exhausting…..shameful and I hate it. And i cant stop…..this is addiction and it has me by the throat.